Wednesday, September 20, 2006

 

A Smiling What...!?!

Ohio Wesleyan's football team is 0-3 following a close game against Bethany this past weekend. On the season, OWU has lost those three games by a combined 22 points, or 7.3 points per game. All the losses have been to non-conference foes, meaning that the Battling Bishops can still make good on the preseason prediction of finishing at least second in the conference. I know the team and the coaches are doing everything possible to figure out how to turn this ship around, and they will.

Don't worry, fans- I know what the problem is and it has nothing to do with the coaching, players, or facilities. No, Battling Bishop fans, the problem lies in the revamped Bishop. This year, in order to stop scaring small children when taking part in the Delaware Fourth of July Parade, OWU introduced a new family-friendly Bishop. As you will see in the picture below (the Bishop is flanked by Mark Shipps '70 and John Kercher '63), the new Bishop comes complete with red hair, big blue eyes, and a smile.



Yes, that's right. A smile.

Now, this is just my humble opinion, but the new Battling Bishop does not intimidate me. In fact, I do not see him stomping on an ant, let alone running a linebacker over on the 1 yardline for a score. The word "Battling" is not drawn from this sweet, sensible-looking character my mom would like.

Now the old Bishop (see below), he would take a magnifying glass and burn ants, laughing with glee. He would take the new Bishop's lunch money and then steal his bike. The old Bishop would shed a double team from two 300 lbs. offensive linemen to blow up the running back for a 6 yard loss. He was angry, he was impatient, he wanted to win. And there was no smile. No, there was a scowl.



It's a little known fact that teams with smiling, happy-looking mascots never win championships in football or baseball. Take, for example, the Cleveland Indians. Many people blame the trade of Rocky Colavito in 1968 for the Tribe's bad luck when in reality it is Chief Wahoo's fault. The innocent wide-open eyes, the big smile. All of this says "Hey guys, we don't mind losing. Want to come to my house for some cookies after the game?"

You never see the Florida State Seminole smiling. He looks like he could kill somone.



Nor the little Notre Dame guy. He looks ready for a drunken brawl.



Mount Union doesn't even have a mascot, and they win all of the time (8 national championships and the longest winning streak in NCAA history). Do you think they would have won all of those games with a smiling, happy-go-lucky Purple Raider? I think not.

A case could be made for a smile as long as the eye brows are furled; that way, the smile looks sarcastic or, at the very least, saying "Bring it." But not a full-blown, eyes-wide-open smile.

"But Jason," you may be thinking, "I have you. What about Brutus Buckeye and the 2002 OSU National Championship?" The one exception could be Brutus; but let's not forget that he is a giant poisonous nut with a body that can stand on his head and do push-ups. That is ridiculous. There was a buckeye tree at my elementary school growing up, and no buckeye I ever saw did anything like that. Occasionally I would throw them at girls I liked, but that was my actions, not the buckeye's.

Bring back the old Bishop. Do it for OWU. He's worth a good 7 points a game. Denison will not be intimidated by the Smiling Bishop; neither will Wabash, Wooster or any other NCAC opponent. We need to scare the opponents and if we scare some kids on July 4 along the way, so be it- it's all in the name of winning an NCAC championship. Besides, being scared builds character. That is what my dad always told me.

Don't forget Team OWU (that is my Annual Fund tie-in for this blog).

Comments:
Wrong again. The 0-3 record can be attributed to the head coach and his staff. The offensive system is the most archiac and decadent in all of college football. It is past time for a sweeping change. Team OWU funds should be used to pay for the player's dinner at the annual award banquet and to hire an entertaining speaker so that the team is not subjected to personalized insults from the head coach and the offensive coordinator.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Thursday, September 21, 2006
 
I agree with you regarding the mascot. I like him old and grouchy. He was a classic original.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : Thursday, September 21, 2006
 
So maybe the new smiling one can go to parades and the old scowling one can go to games.
# posted by Blogger Dhiroj : Wednesday, June 04, 2008
 
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